"Do you see that?" Dad points outside his nursing home window.
I get up from my chair and stand in front of the window, squinting. At 93 his eyes are still much better than mine.
"What do you see, Dad?"
"I don't know. There. On top of that house. That thing. What is it?"
I squint. Seriously. The house is across the field. I see a metal something on top of the roof.
"I see something metal, Dad."
"No. No metal. It's a mouse."
I turn around slowly. "Dad - have you seen mice anywhere else?"
"Sometimes. There's one right now, running on the ceiling. Do you see it?"
I walk over to where he's pointing and stop, pointing up at the ceiling. "Is it here?"
He directs me until I'm right by the bathroom door.
"There," he says. "There's the mouse, scurrying into the bathroom."
I reach up one more time and start petting the air.
"So you DO see it?"
"No, Dad. But if there are going to be mice in your room, I want to make sure they're friendly."
"Am I out of my mind?"
I will stop my story at this point to tell you something. My father was one of the most intelligent, sane, creative people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. His mind was everything to him. When the rest of his body had failed him, he would lie for 24 hours a day and think. And plan. And dream. A week before his death and he was still reciting Shakespeare sonnets and poetry about eagles and crags. Two weeks before his death I lay my cello on top of him after my "concert" and he started plucking out his beloved Swedish folksong.
So I carefully speak my next words. "Just because I don't see it doesn't mean you don't, Dad. It's all real to you in your inside world. I'm here in your outside world. There are all sorts of things that happen in our inside worlds that no one else sees. Our thoughts, our dreams, our daydreams, our fears."
He nods. Sometimes he thinks he's in a different room, or a different country. Sometimes he thinks people are trying to harm him. After Mom died I think Dad would've died, he was so lost without her. So he made the decision to live on, and create a new life with new memories. He married his wife's nurse. I think he thought that would turn out differently. As the smug philosophists say "it is what it is," and we've all walked on as mindfully as possible. At the end of his life he is lying in a nursing home, seeing mice on the ceiling, thinking about the book he and I are writing, about the end of the world and how we make it off the planet.
He loves me. I am confident of that. He trusts me. I've been there in the trenches with him from the beginning. So I know what my next words needs to be: "Dad - just know that when you are in your inside world, I am always here in your outside world, protecting you, watching out for you. I won't let anyone or anything ever hurt you."
I take a deep breath. I look at him, looking so frail and vulnerable there in the hospital bed. The tears start.
"And Dad - another thing. I've lived my entire life seeing and hearing things that others haven't seen or heard. So if anyone believes in the reality of an inside world, it's me. Okay?"
He smiles. And nods. And we sit and hold hands for a while until he closes his eyes and falls asleep.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
My First Birthday
My First Birthday
Without any parents. I sit here in the soft sun and look into my chest to see how my heart is feeling. Dad. Dad. No Dad. It's different - this death of my last parent. I think Mom's death prepared me somehow. That totally kicked my butt for a year or so. But Dad? I don't know - it's different. He and I were more than best friends - he was another part of me - another half. The same. So when he died he wasn't separate from me. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all, but I had another dream about him last night.
He and I and another person were standing around. I said something like "it's a beautiful day," and this other person said something really mean, like "it would be, if you weren't here." Then I said something like "I love salads," and this person said something like "salads are stupid." I was just getting tired of this person being so mean (who is actually exactly like this in real life), when Dad reached out and slapped their face. Then smiled a little bit. Then he turned toward me and slapped me really gently on the face and smiled a great big smile, like "do you understand?"
Here's what I want to say about all of this: I DO get it, Dad. Some things that happened while you were alive were difficult to handle. You seemed to have a hard time standing up to certain people, speaking up for yourself. As a result, sometimes other's feelings could get hurt. So sometimes your actions were like "slaps in the face" to some of us. I think what you're saying is that it's all an illusion, and everybody who's feeling hurt or resentful or angry about anything that happened during your life should just lighten up and see the symbolism, maybe see behind the scenes.
I'm not crushed when I see you in dreams, like I was after Mom died. In fact, it's super fun and cool and awesome every time you come for a visit. I'm like "Hey Dad! How in the heck are you?" And you're just right there, slapping our faces and stuff. Haha. You're human. Well, not anymore, but you know what I mean. And I'm human. And that other person is human. And we're all thrown into this huge mess of a life, complete with our issues and problems and insecurities, and we're trying to keep our heads above water and not get pulled under. Sometimes we're golden and beautiful and perfect, and sometimes our actions suck.
But I want to tell you that I not only forgive you for anything you may have unintentionally done that ever hurt me, but I want to tell you that there's actually nothing to forgive. I'm in a different place than after Mom died. I get it. I get you. And more importantly, I SEE YOU.
So, yes, it's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 56, thanks for asking. And how do I feel? Magnificent. I feel magnificent. I'm happy, peaceful, calm, and always feel Dad with me. I won't sad cry, I won't be depressed or mopey or quiet. I will smile, and have coffee with friends, and dress up and go to a concert with my goddesses, and eat gluten-free red velvet cake. And I will sing loudly for myself because I'm just so darned happy to be here, and to have loved my father so well.
Thank you, Daddy. You will ALWAYS be the best. Love - your #5
Without any parents. I sit here in the soft sun and look into my chest to see how my heart is feeling. Dad. Dad. No Dad. It's different - this death of my last parent. I think Mom's death prepared me somehow. That totally kicked my butt for a year or so. But Dad? I don't know - it's different. He and I were more than best friends - he was another part of me - another half. The same. So when he died he wasn't separate from me. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all, but I had another dream about him last night.
He and I and another person were standing around. I said something like "it's a beautiful day," and this other person said something really mean, like "it would be, if you weren't here." Then I said something like "I love salads," and this person said something like "salads are stupid." I was just getting tired of this person being so mean (who is actually exactly like this in real life), when Dad reached out and slapped their face. Then smiled a little bit. Then he turned toward me and slapped me really gently on the face and smiled a great big smile, like "do you understand?"
Here's what I want to say about all of this: I DO get it, Dad. Some things that happened while you were alive were difficult to handle. You seemed to have a hard time standing up to certain people, speaking up for yourself. As a result, sometimes other's feelings could get hurt. So sometimes your actions were like "slaps in the face" to some of us. I think what you're saying is that it's all an illusion, and everybody who's feeling hurt or resentful or angry about anything that happened during your life should just lighten up and see the symbolism, maybe see behind the scenes.
I'm not crushed when I see you in dreams, like I was after Mom died. In fact, it's super fun and cool and awesome every time you come for a visit. I'm like "Hey Dad! How in the heck are you?" And you're just right there, slapping our faces and stuff. Haha. You're human. Well, not anymore, but you know what I mean. And I'm human. And that other person is human. And we're all thrown into this huge mess of a life, complete with our issues and problems and insecurities, and we're trying to keep our heads above water and not get pulled under. Sometimes we're golden and beautiful and perfect, and sometimes our actions suck.
But I want to tell you that I not only forgive you for anything you may have unintentionally done that ever hurt me, but I want to tell you that there's actually nothing to forgive. I'm in a different place than after Mom died. I get it. I get you. And more importantly, I SEE YOU.
So, yes, it's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 56, thanks for asking. And how do I feel? Magnificent. I feel magnificent. I'm happy, peaceful, calm, and always feel Dad with me. I won't sad cry, I won't be depressed or mopey or quiet. I will smile, and have coffee with friends, and dress up and go to a concert with my goddesses, and eat gluten-free red velvet cake. And I will sing loudly for myself because I'm just so darned happy to be here, and to have loved my father so well.
Thank you, Daddy. You will ALWAYS be the best. Love - your #5
Friday, August 5, 2016
Back in the Saddle Again
I wake up smiling, happy to start my day. Then I remember - my father's dead. I feel the dreaded dark energy start to flow slowly from the top of my head into my heart, stomach, and down my legs. Crap. What do I do now? Some days it's just too impossible to take a shower, put on makeup AND get dressed. And to have to do the same thing EVERY DAY? C'mon - that's asking way too much. I just can't do it anymore. I can't do much of anything anymore. I should work on my two book projects. I should write in here. I should get a website up and running. I should return some phone calls. I should should should. And yet. And yet I can't do anything. So I mostly do nothing.
In 1994 I bought my beloved horse Vinny. He was a 20 year old thoroughbred, my guardian angel in a horse. But he was also very clumsy. I took him to the Badlands for a trail ride and we were heading up a slippery hill. The young girl in front of me stopped in the middle of the hill and asked if anyone could grab her sunglasses that had fallen off. Vinny lost his footing, and started sliding back down the hill. I frantically grabbed onto his mane, but that also pulled his head back, and he reared up on his hind legs and started falling backwards. Through some miracle I was able to rise up out of my saddle and jump off sideways, hitting my tailbone on a big rock but otherwise surviving.
Grabbing onto Vinny's tail I was able to walk up the hill with him helping him, but as soon as we got to the top of the hill the trail master said, "Get back up in the saddle." Hell no, I said. It's dangerous. I could feel the tingles of anxiety starting in my heart, spreading out to my stomach.
"If you don't get right back up now, you'll never get back up again," he said simply. I got back up, and started for camp. "Keep walking," he said. "Otherwise you'll stiffen up. Even if your back hurts, you have to keep going or you'll stop all together." Again I said hell no. But again he was right. If you stop moving you get more paralyzed, more stiff, and stay hurt.
So I sit here in my comfy CAbi double v neck and stretch white jeans and white Converse tennies. I've effectively dressed, but there will most certainly be no shower or makeup today. I'm still down in the dust, rubbing my bum because it's hit a rock. I don't want to do anything much but think about what just happened - it was difficult. It was scary. It shredded me. And now what?
What does it mean to get back into life's saddle again? Sometimes it seems like experiencing the death of a loved one is a great chance to reset, to look at your life and make any necessary changes. But I have to be gentle with myself. I look down at what I'm calling my Death Roll, that extra 10 pounds of fat that I've gained around my middle since Dad died. I could also call it my Special K roll, as that's mostly what I've eaten since Dad died. Whatever. I need to be gentle with myself - I may be in shock. I'm not sure.
I only know that I feel like I'm floating, not quite landed, not quite clear about my direction, and I'm longing to be up in that saddle, feeling my beloved Vinny beneath me, feeling us moving together down the trail, looking at the beautiful sky. I don't want to be dusty in the tumble weeds anymore, crying about what's just happened. So I ponder my next move - back into the saddle again. I may go listen to the song - I think it's a good one. Maybe not.
In 1994 I bought my beloved horse Vinny. He was a 20 year old thoroughbred, my guardian angel in a horse. But he was also very clumsy. I took him to the Badlands for a trail ride and we were heading up a slippery hill. The young girl in front of me stopped in the middle of the hill and asked if anyone could grab her sunglasses that had fallen off. Vinny lost his footing, and started sliding back down the hill. I frantically grabbed onto his mane, but that also pulled his head back, and he reared up on his hind legs and started falling backwards. Through some miracle I was able to rise up out of my saddle and jump off sideways, hitting my tailbone on a big rock but otherwise surviving.
Grabbing onto Vinny's tail I was able to walk up the hill with him helping him, but as soon as we got to the top of the hill the trail master said, "Get back up in the saddle." Hell no, I said. It's dangerous. I could feel the tingles of anxiety starting in my heart, spreading out to my stomach.
"If you don't get right back up now, you'll never get back up again," he said simply. I got back up, and started for camp. "Keep walking," he said. "Otherwise you'll stiffen up. Even if your back hurts, you have to keep going or you'll stop all together." Again I said hell no. But again he was right. If you stop moving you get more paralyzed, more stiff, and stay hurt.
So I sit here in my comfy CAbi double v neck and stretch white jeans and white Converse tennies. I've effectively dressed, but there will most certainly be no shower or makeup today. I'm still down in the dust, rubbing my bum because it's hit a rock. I don't want to do anything much but think about what just happened - it was difficult. It was scary. It shredded me. And now what?
What does it mean to get back into life's saddle again? Sometimes it seems like experiencing the death of a loved one is a great chance to reset, to look at your life and make any necessary changes. But I have to be gentle with myself. I look down at what I'm calling my Death Roll, that extra 10 pounds of fat that I've gained around my middle since Dad died. I could also call it my Special K roll, as that's mostly what I've eaten since Dad died. Whatever. I need to be gentle with myself - I may be in shock. I'm not sure.
I only know that I feel like I'm floating, not quite landed, not quite clear about my direction, and I'm longing to be up in that saddle, feeling my beloved Vinny beneath me, feeling us moving together down the trail, looking at the beautiful sky. I don't want to be dusty in the tumble weeds anymore, crying about what's just happened. So I ponder my next move - back into the saddle again. I may go listen to the song - I think it's a good one. Maybe not.
Monday, March 14, 2016
The Evolution of Essentialism
I've watched it unfolding over the past few years. It starts with organizing. You wake up one morning and say "wow - I've got so much stuff, and it's lying everywhere. It's messy here!" So you grab the garbage bags and clear plastic bins and a label maker and get to work. In the end you may not have given much away, but you sure are organized! Your 200 pairs of shoes are now color coordinated by season. And you feel good about your life. For a while.
But then a few months (or years) later you wake up and say "I still have too much stuff, even if it's organized." So you start the decluttering process. you look at your stuff with fresh eyes. You begin to ask an important question: "Do I WANT this?" With your garbage bags in hand you sweep through your home again, your eye now on what may be clutter.
Being a writer, I love words, and seeing how definitions can really help us understand concepts more completely, I looked up the meaning of "clutter." One definition is that clutter is all of the things that are on a radar screen that are not the target. Perfect! Let's get rid of that "flock of seagulls" so we can focus on the missile silo.
By the end of this process you may have gotten rid of half of your possessions. These are the half empty paint cans, broken lamps, books you'll never read, extra photos (or negatives), clothes you wore when you were 15. You know - clutter.
By this time you should be starting to feel REALLY good about yourself, and you do! For a while. Then it starts to feel like you've vacuumed the floor but now see everything needs a good dusting. You've only scratched the surface. What could possibly be left?
Simplifying. You've organized your stuff, gotten rid of some of the clutter, but now you want to simplify. I noticed this step in the Essentializing Process about two years ago, with the rise of Marie Kondo. I think she's a genius. Beyond everything else, her work focuses on what brings you joy. Only keep Happy.
Simplifying is a whole new game. It focuses less on the "what" and more on the "why." This is essential because we now start to get to the energy of consuming, the psychology of why you do what you do. Simple is not only organized, it's clean, it helps us know where our keys are because we can now SEE our keys on the table, no longer buried under pounds of paperwork.
One more sweep of the house with simplifying in mind. Recipes can be found online - I don't need 200 cookbooks. I can scan all of my extra pictures and store them on my laptop. I can find all of the user's manuals for my electronics online. I only use these 20 spices. I now plan meals up to two weeks in advance, and love freezer crockpot meals.
Now you sit in your simplified life and feel content for a while, but (there's always a "but" isn't there?) then that niggling starts again. Something's not quite right. Enter the tiny house movement, exit the extravagant lifestyles, huge homes, and living beyond your means. Enter Essentializing.
Have you ever been traveling and noticed how little you actually need to move through your days? I traveled through Italy for two weeks a few years ago, with only a carry on. Everyone said how fashionable I looked, even wearing the same clothes. Why? Because I strategized - two fabulous scarves, two spectacular necklaces, and clothes that all mixed and matched in interesting and beautiful ways (cabi clothes ARE the best for this! Check them out at www.susanrisher.cabionline.com). Why not do this at home?
Essential. What is basic, necessary, crucial. If I were to ask you "What's your favorite necklace? Bag? Earrings? Book? Knick knack?" Could you tell me? Have you ever thought about it? This is the start of thinking in Essential terms. We're just entering that time, so you're not behind. Unless you're still thinking you should start organizing all of your stuff. Then you may want to get started. Don't worry - you'll catch up. One you start, it's exhilarating, fun, even. I promise.
A few months ago I devised a method for helping me determine what was essential to me. I picked up my possessions one at a time, and told their story. When I heard what I was saying, it quickly became apparent if something was essential or not. Some things were someone else's, some were gifts from people (I forgot who), some were bought when I was going through my divorce in the early 90's. None of those were essential.
Essential is someone looking at your books and seeing your soul. Essential is looking at that one vase sitting on your mantel and feeling its singular beauty. Essential is wearing your mom's diamond solitaire necklace every day because she was your best friend. Essential is owning 100 pieces of clothing that fit comfortably into one small closet. Essential is not buying a bigger place to get more room but feeling the expansiveness in your current dwelling because you now have more room (inside your head and outside).
Essential is probably not the last stop, but it's currently where I am and what I'm seeing as the current evolution. Essential is saving my life, my pocketbook, my sanity. What is essential, remains.
Susie's Evolution of Essentialism
Organizing - let's organize everything so it's neat!
Decluttering - let's get rid of the clutter, those things that distract us from our target!
Simplifying - let's get rid of the extras - keep only the things that bring us joy
Essentializing - let's focus on what is crucial, necessary, and basic to us. What represents Who We Are? The stories that we tell about every single object we own should be powerful stories of love, inspiration, creativity, and beauty. And we should BE able to tell the story of our possessions.
P.S. If you're having difficulty understanding what I mean when I say "what is essential to your Soul" (I don't know what my Soul feels like!), I'll be blogging about that process next time! Until then, please ask any questions in the comments below, and I'll be sure to answer them as soon as I can!
But then a few months (or years) later you wake up and say "I still have too much stuff, even if it's organized." So you start the decluttering process. you look at your stuff with fresh eyes. You begin to ask an important question: "Do I WANT this?" With your garbage bags in hand you sweep through your home again, your eye now on what may be clutter.
Being a writer, I love words, and seeing how definitions can really help us understand concepts more completely, I looked up the meaning of "clutter." One definition is that clutter is all of the things that are on a radar screen that are not the target. Perfect! Let's get rid of that "flock of seagulls" so we can focus on the missile silo.
By the end of this process you may have gotten rid of half of your possessions. These are the half empty paint cans, broken lamps, books you'll never read, extra photos (or negatives), clothes you wore when you were 15. You know - clutter.
By this time you should be starting to feel REALLY good about yourself, and you do! For a while. Then it starts to feel like you've vacuumed the floor but now see everything needs a good dusting. You've only scratched the surface. What could possibly be left?
Simplifying. You've organized your stuff, gotten rid of some of the clutter, but now you want to simplify. I noticed this step in the Essentializing Process about two years ago, with the rise of Marie Kondo. I think she's a genius. Beyond everything else, her work focuses on what brings you joy. Only keep Happy.
Simplifying is a whole new game. It focuses less on the "what" and more on the "why." This is essential because we now start to get to the energy of consuming, the psychology of why you do what you do. Simple is not only organized, it's clean, it helps us know where our keys are because we can now SEE our keys on the table, no longer buried under pounds of paperwork.
One more sweep of the house with simplifying in mind. Recipes can be found online - I don't need 200 cookbooks. I can scan all of my extra pictures and store them on my laptop. I can find all of the user's manuals for my electronics online. I only use these 20 spices. I now plan meals up to two weeks in advance, and love freezer crockpot meals.
Now you sit in your simplified life and feel content for a while, but (there's always a "but" isn't there?) then that niggling starts again. Something's not quite right. Enter the tiny house movement, exit the extravagant lifestyles, huge homes, and living beyond your means. Enter Essentializing.
Have you ever been traveling and noticed how little you actually need to move through your days? I traveled through Italy for two weeks a few years ago, with only a carry on. Everyone said how fashionable I looked, even wearing the same clothes. Why? Because I strategized - two fabulous scarves, two spectacular necklaces, and clothes that all mixed and matched in interesting and beautiful ways (cabi clothes ARE the best for this! Check them out at www.susanrisher.cabionline.com). Why not do this at home?
Essential. What is basic, necessary, crucial. If I were to ask you "What's your favorite necklace? Bag? Earrings? Book? Knick knack?" Could you tell me? Have you ever thought about it? This is the start of thinking in Essential terms. We're just entering that time, so you're not behind. Unless you're still thinking you should start organizing all of your stuff. Then you may want to get started. Don't worry - you'll catch up. One you start, it's exhilarating, fun, even. I promise.
A few months ago I devised a method for helping me determine what was essential to me. I picked up my possessions one at a time, and told their story. When I heard what I was saying, it quickly became apparent if something was essential or not. Some things were someone else's, some were gifts from people (I forgot who), some were bought when I was going through my divorce in the early 90's. None of those were essential.
Essential is someone looking at your books and seeing your soul. Essential is looking at that one vase sitting on your mantel and feeling its singular beauty. Essential is wearing your mom's diamond solitaire necklace every day because she was your best friend. Essential is owning 100 pieces of clothing that fit comfortably into one small closet. Essential is not buying a bigger place to get more room but feeling the expansiveness in your current dwelling because you now have more room (inside your head and outside).
Essential is probably not the last stop, but it's currently where I am and what I'm seeing as the current evolution. Essential is saving my life, my pocketbook, my sanity. What is essential, remains.
Susie's Evolution of Essentialism
Organizing - let's organize everything so it's neat!
Decluttering - let's get rid of the clutter, those things that distract us from our target!
Simplifying - let's get rid of the extras - keep only the things that bring us joy
Essentializing - let's focus on what is crucial, necessary, and basic to us. What represents Who We Are? The stories that we tell about every single object we own should be powerful stories of love, inspiration, creativity, and beauty. And we should BE able to tell the story of our possessions.
P.S. If you're having difficulty understanding what I mean when I say "what is essential to your Soul" (I don't know what my Soul feels like!), I'll be blogging about that process next time! Until then, please ask any questions in the comments below, and I'll be sure to answer them as soon as I can!
Monday, March 7, 2016
Being Present
I'm sitting with my dad at the restaurant. He lifts his wine glass, leans it slightly toward me, raises his eyebrows, and I raise my glass, and we clink. I keep looking at him, then I get the giggles. They start deep in my belly and start to rise up. I really shouldn't... There's nothing to BE laughing at.... And yet... And yet... I start laughing.
"What's so funny?" Dad asks.
"Nothing at all, Dad," I say, now wiping the tears away. "It just feels so darned good to be here with you."
He starts laughing. Now we're both laughing, louder now. I see the waiters behind us by the kitchen, looking at us.
A new feeling starts in my belly and spreads out through my whole body until the tears in my eyes aren't from the laughing. They're from the gratitude. I feel normal. Dad feels normal. "This" is normal.
Dad has difficulty standing now, and more difficulty walking. He is tired a lot. I make the 193 mile drive west every chance I get, in between home, and cabi, readings, my Essential Closet work, and my family. But it never seems like enough. I feel like I should, could, just STAY there with Dad. I don't think he'd like that very much, though. He doesn't really like us 'hovering' over him too much. I understand.
But I know he loves me being there. He trash talks me while we're playing cards that night after dinner.
"I suppose it makes you feel really great to be kicking my butt, Dad," I say.
"Yeah - it DOES feel pretty good. But it's really not that hard to beat you," he replies, smiling.
I get quiet, then say what I have been thinking for the last few months.
"You know, Dad - just because we can laugh and joke and be light-hearted doesn't mean that I don't understand what's going on for you. You know that, right? I just love spending time with you. You're always YOU, no matter what you can or can't do."
He nods.
I don't know if he likes talking about this, but sometimes I feel like he is in a bubble, looking out at the rest of the world, laughing and smiling and being his usual upbeat self, but inside that bubble, he may feel isolated, separate, like nobody really knows what it's like to be in there. And I may be making all of this up, but what I want to say is that I want to just be present with my father, every step of the way. I want to always say what I want to say, and I want him to say what he wants to say. And I always want him to know how wholly I love him. I think he knows.
I have to leave. I lean over his bed and resting my hand next to him I can fully reach him. I kiss right above his left cheek and feel his soft beard against my chin. Kiss kiss.
"I love you so much, Dad," I say. "Always."
"You're my precious bunny," he says.
"And you're MY precious bunny," I answer.
It's hard to see as I walk out of the home, heading for my car and back to MY home.
"What's so funny?" Dad asks.
"Nothing at all, Dad," I say, now wiping the tears away. "It just feels so darned good to be here with you."
He starts laughing. Now we're both laughing, louder now. I see the waiters behind us by the kitchen, looking at us.
A new feeling starts in my belly and spreads out through my whole body until the tears in my eyes aren't from the laughing. They're from the gratitude. I feel normal. Dad feels normal. "This" is normal.
Dad has difficulty standing now, and more difficulty walking. He is tired a lot. I make the 193 mile drive west every chance I get, in between home, and cabi, readings, my Essential Closet work, and my family. But it never seems like enough. I feel like I should, could, just STAY there with Dad. I don't think he'd like that very much, though. He doesn't really like us 'hovering' over him too much. I understand.
But I know he loves me being there. He trash talks me while we're playing cards that night after dinner.
"I suppose it makes you feel really great to be kicking my butt, Dad," I say.
"Yeah - it DOES feel pretty good. But it's really not that hard to beat you," he replies, smiling.
I get quiet, then say what I have been thinking for the last few months.
"You know, Dad - just because we can laugh and joke and be light-hearted doesn't mean that I don't understand what's going on for you. You know that, right? I just love spending time with you. You're always YOU, no matter what you can or can't do."
He nods.
I don't know if he likes talking about this, but sometimes I feel like he is in a bubble, looking out at the rest of the world, laughing and smiling and being his usual upbeat self, but inside that bubble, he may feel isolated, separate, like nobody really knows what it's like to be in there. And I may be making all of this up, but what I want to say is that I want to just be present with my father, every step of the way. I want to always say what I want to say, and I want him to say what he wants to say. And I always want him to know how wholly I love him. I think he knows.
I have to leave. I lean over his bed and resting my hand next to him I can fully reach him. I kiss right above his left cheek and feel his soft beard against my chin. Kiss kiss.
"I love you so much, Dad," I say. "Always."
"You're my precious bunny," he says.
"And you're MY precious bunny," I answer.
It's hard to see as I walk out of the home, heading for my car and back to MY home.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Sandwiched
Dad's in a nursing home in Bismarck, my daughter's in the Cities, my oldest son on the West Coast. We have a lake home. What does this mean? That at any given location at any given time, I want to be somewhere else. If I'm home, I'm missing my two oldest kids, my dad, and the lake. You get the picture.
I try not to feel guilty, but I admit it - it's difficult to feel peaceful when I'm feeling pulled. I know we're called the sandwich generation, but I don't feel like a nice piece of deli turkey nestled softly between two warm freshly-baked pieces of bread. I feel like a piece of roast beef that's been torn into little pieces then put onto 5 different plates, and I'm supposed to feed everyone.
Well then, THERE we get to it! So let's dive a little deeper, shall we? I have always said that I permanently give a piece of my heart to my children, but that's not even the end of it. I've also given my heart to my father. I call it the 6 people I love more than anything in the Universe (I told Dad he was one of my Five, and he said 'Mom.....' so I changed it to 6), but then that would mean that the absolutely only time I'll ever feel 100% happy is when all 5 of my (living) loved ones are in one place, and it just doesn't look like that's going to be happening any time soon. So then what am I supposed to do?
It appears I feel guilty. I'm a caretaker. A nurturer. I DO things for people I love. I bake double chocolate gourmet brownies and rush them off to the post office before they cool. I buy clothes, and pad Thai, and expensive scotch. I serve at school, give back rubs, write cards. Frankly I don't know how any of my Five survive without me. I worry about them, text them to make sure they're taking their vitamins, ask if they've fixed their brakes yet. I even brought Dad a pot roast to his room at the home because he was missing the smell of home-cooked food. And I love doing all of those things - it makes me happy. So what's the problem? "I'm supposed to feed everyone after I've been torn into little pieces and separated..."
Do I feel whole? Do I have worth if I'm not taking care of others? Do others expect me to take care of them, or do I put that on myself? Would I ever say no if one of my Five asked me for something I didn't think I could give? Probably not - I don't think so - maybe - probably - probably not.
Maybe the problem isn't that I feel like the deli meat in the middle of the sandwich, or even that I feel like I've torn myself into tiny little pieces. Maybe it's that I don't feel like I'm the WHOLE sandwich. My beloved family is the bread, the mayo, mustard, lettuce, onions, and tomato, and I'm just the teensy slice in the middle. Great. Now I'm hungry.
So I sit here, at 12:52 on a Monday morning, enjoying the darkness, the glow of my Himalayan salt lamp, wondering if I've ever felt like a whole sandwich, afraid that I haven't, and wondering if it's too late to start making my Sandwich Soul Snack, this time making sure I keep myself whole and in the middle of my whole life. I don't think it's too late, but I'd better get going. I'm probably going to enter middle age one of these years.
I try not to feel guilty, but I admit it - it's difficult to feel peaceful when I'm feeling pulled. I know we're called the sandwich generation, but I don't feel like a nice piece of deli turkey nestled softly between two warm freshly-baked pieces of bread. I feel like a piece of roast beef that's been torn into little pieces then put onto 5 different plates, and I'm supposed to feed everyone.
Well then, THERE we get to it! So let's dive a little deeper, shall we? I have always said that I permanently give a piece of my heart to my children, but that's not even the end of it. I've also given my heart to my father. I call it the 6 people I love more than anything in the Universe (I told Dad he was one of my Five, and he said 'Mom.....' so I changed it to 6), but then that would mean that the absolutely only time I'll ever feel 100% happy is when all 5 of my (living) loved ones are in one place, and it just doesn't look like that's going to be happening any time soon. So then what am I supposed to do?
It appears I feel guilty. I'm a caretaker. A nurturer. I DO things for people I love. I bake double chocolate gourmet brownies and rush them off to the post office before they cool. I buy clothes, and pad Thai, and expensive scotch. I serve at school, give back rubs, write cards. Frankly I don't know how any of my Five survive without me. I worry about them, text them to make sure they're taking their vitamins, ask if they've fixed their brakes yet. I even brought Dad a pot roast to his room at the home because he was missing the smell of home-cooked food. And I love doing all of those things - it makes me happy. So what's the problem? "I'm supposed to feed everyone after I've been torn into little pieces and separated..."
Do I feel whole? Do I have worth if I'm not taking care of others? Do others expect me to take care of them, or do I put that on myself? Would I ever say no if one of my Five asked me for something I didn't think I could give? Probably not - I don't think so - maybe - probably - probably not.
Maybe the problem isn't that I feel like the deli meat in the middle of the sandwich, or even that I feel like I've torn myself into tiny little pieces. Maybe it's that I don't feel like I'm the WHOLE sandwich. My beloved family is the bread, the mayo, mustard, lettuce, onions, and tomato, and I'm just the teensy slice in the middle. Great. Now I'm hungry.
So I sit here, at 12:52 on a Monday morning, enjoying the darkness, the glow of my Himalayan salt lamp, wondering if I've ever felt like a whole sandwich, afraid that I haven't, and wondering if it's too late to start making my Sandwich Soul Snack, this time making sure I keep myself whole and in the middle of my whole life. I don't think it's too late, but I'd better get going. I'm probably going to enter middle age one of these years.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
The Essential Core Meditation:
So as we get acquainted with the notion of having a safe place within us, it can help to have some guidance, our own North Star, so to speak, to lead us to our own Core. I've been speaking, writing, teaching, and leading meditation groups for the past 25 years (not that that necessarily makes me any kind of expert), but it helps, I think. :)
It's always a good idea to start your centering process with a few conscious deep breaths. So often when we're stressed out and running like crazy we forget to breathe, or we start shallow breathing. This serves to fling us to those crazy outer areas of our lives, you know - the swirling areas where we become forgetful, foggy, crabby, overwhelmed. Breathing helps. You can always have that basic piece to return to when the going gets tough.
Do you trust that you have the capacity for peace within you? That's a really honest question, so think about it before you answer "of course!" You may actually believe that you are just hard-wired for stress and fatigue and overload. But you don't only have the capacity for peace, you ARE Peace! I fully believe we're hard-wired for joy, and love, and abundance. We just have forgotten along the way. I'll help you remember.
To do this meditation you'll need only a few things: complete silence (or one of my meditation CDs :) ), undisturbed time (hahahaha - that autocorrected to "undies turned" - I guess that could work, too!), and a comfortable place to sit. Eyes open or eyes closed - doesn't matter. Sitting cross-legged or feet on the floor - doesn't matter. Hands in your lap, or in your favorite mudra - doesn't matter. Are you sensing a pattern here? I don't get too caught up in the "must-do's" - that will stop you before you start. And part of this is you getting to know YOU. You're unique. So you're in charge of how your setup looks. And of course feel free to alter any of my suggestions for the meditation, as well.
When you're comfortable, and your phone's turned off (please), roll your shoulders, or your neck, if that feels good. Settle in. Just enjoy being in this quiet space with yourself. You're fabulous, after all - why wouldn't you want to just hang out with yourself for a while? Smile a little. Breathe. Feel your chair solid beneath your listen to the noises of your world. The cars on the highway, the birds in the tree, the neighbor's dog barking. Isn't that all sweet?
Now just start gently tuning in to your internal landscape. We hardly EVER do that, do we? How does your head feel? Your eyes? Your ears? Your neck? If you notice any sore or stiff parts, gently send love to those areas. You can even mentally say something like "Hey sweet neck - looks like you're kind of sore. Sorry about that. Here's some love - I'll try to take better care of you..." Keep going. Don't stress about order or what to say or think about - just pretend you're at a party and you're looking at everyone there. Notice them.
This could/should only take a few minutes, and is a GREAT basic meditation practice in itself. I try to do it every morning before I roll out of bed. I just sit up in my bed and do it because, yeah, I'm super lazy that way.
The next step is to bring your attention to your torso area. In my years of doing this work, I've found a majority of Essential Cores to be anywhere from right below the belly button to right below the throat. But hey - if yours is in your right big toe, that's super cool! Go for it. Just set your intention by saying something like "I'm here. Now please show me where you are..." (Yes - I DO talk to my body like that) and then sit in an open space and notice anything you may feel. It could be a warming in your heart area, or a pleasant tugging in your stomach. Remember - this is your own special journey to yourself, so nobody can tell you what HAS to happen or how.
When you think you've gotten a clue, check it out - call your attention to that area and take some more deep breaths, then imagine that you're sinking 100% into that space. For me, when I'm there it always feels like I'm in a wide open green field, surrounded by little brightly colored flowers. I'm usually sitting under a beautiful, ancient tree. Ahhhhh - I feel like signing off and going there now.
Got it? Stay there. Let the energy of that calm, beautiful, Essential Place seep into your consciousness. Sometimes you can see images or hear noises (birds, the wind, music), but if you are feeling happy, that's your greatest clue that you've discovered your EC (Essential Core), and it IS Essential, because this is part that's connected to unconditional love, to Source, to everyone else, and nothing 'bad' or sad or scary of mean can touch. It's sacred. It's your own Sanity Haven in the midst of the storm. So the first step is to find it. The second step is to visit frequently, and the third step? Of course - it's to be able to reside there permanently. Make it your Command Center. Life is SO amazing when you can live from Love. You don't react anymore - you are clear-headed, able to say the 'right' things. You sleep peacefully, and go through your days with enthusiasm and joy.
Yeah - I want to go to there! So let me know if you have any questions, but otherwise? Happy Journeying. I'd love to hear of your experiences in the comments below.
So as we get acquainted with the notion of having a safe place within us, it can help to have some guidance, our own North Star, so to speak, to lead us to our own Core. I've been speaking, writing, teaching, and leading meditation groups for the past 25 years (not that that necessarily makes me any kind of expert), but it helps, I think. :)
It's always a good idea to start your centering process with a few conscious deep breaths. So often when we're stressed out and running like crazy we forget to breathe, or we start shallow breathing. This serves to fling us to those crazy outer areas of our lives, you know - the swirling areas where we become forgetful, foggy, crabby, overwhelmed. Breathing helps. You can always have that basic piece to return to when the going gets tough.
Do you trust that you have the capacity for peace within you? That's a really honest question, so think about it before you answer "of course!" You may actually believe that you are just hard-wired for stress and fatigue and overload. But you don't only have the capacity for peace, you ARE Peace! I fully believe we're hard-wired for joy, and love, and abundance. We just have forgotten along the way. I'll help you remember.
To do this meditation you'll need only a few things: complete silence (or one of my meditation CDs :) ), undisturbed time (hahahaha - that autocorrected to "undies turned" - I guess that could work, too!), and a comfortable place to sit. Eyes open or eyes closed - doesn't matter. Sitting cross-legged or feet on the floor - doesn't matter. Hands in your lap, or in your favorite mudra - doesn't matter. Are you sensing a pattern here? I don't get too caught up in the "must-do's" - that will stop you before you start. And part of this is you getting to know YOU. You're unique. So you're in charge of how your setup looks. And of course feel free to alter any of my suggestions for the meditation, as well.
When you're comfortable, and your phone's turned off (please), roll your shoulders, or your neck, if that feels good. Settle in. Just enjoy being in this quiet space with yourself. You're fabulous, after all - why wouldn't you want to just hang out with yourself for a while? Smile a little. Breathe. Feel your chair solid beneath your listen to the noises of your world. The cars on the highway, the birds in the tree, the neighbor's dog barking. Isn't that all sweet?
Now just start gently tuning in to your internal landscape. We hardly EVER do that, do we? How does your head feel? Your eyes? Your ears? Your neck? If you notice any sore or stiff parts, gently send love to those areas. You can even mentally say something like "Hey sweet neck - looks like you're kind of sore. Sorry about that. Here's some love - I'll try to take better care of you..." Keep going. Don't stress about order or what to say or think about - just pretend you're at a party and you're looking at everyone there. Notice them.
This could/should only take a few minutes, and is a GREAT basic meditation practice in itself. I try to do it every morning before I roll out of bed. I just sit up in my bed and do it because, yeah, I'm super lazy that way.
The next step is to bring your attention to your torso area. In my years of doing this work, I've found a majority of Essential Cores to be anywhere from right below the belly button to right below the throat. But hey - if yours is in your right big toe, that's super cool! Go for it. Just set your intention by saying something like "I'm here. Now please show me where you are..." (Yes - I DO talk to my body like that) and then sit in an open space and notice anything you may feel. It could be a warming in your heart area, or a pleasant tugging in your stomach. Remember - this is your own special journey to yourself, so nobody can tell you what HAS to happen or how.
When you think you've gotten a clue, check it out - call your attention to that area and take some more deep breaths, then imagine that you're sinking 100% into that space. For me, when I'm there it always feels like I'm in a wide open green field, surrounded by little brightly colored flowers. I'm usually sitting under a beautiful, ancient tree. Ahhhhh - I feel like signing off and going there now.
Got it? Stay there. Let the energy of that calm, beautiful, Essential Place seep into your consciousness. Sometimes you can see images or hear noises (birds, the wind, music), but if you are feeling happy, that's your greatest clue that you've discovered your EC (Essential Core), and it IS Essential, because this is part that's connected to unconditional love, to Source, to everyone else, and nothing 'bad' or sad or scary of mean can touch. It's sacred. It's your own Sanity Haven in the midst of the storm. So the first step is to find it. The second step is to visit frequently, and the third step? Of course - it's to be able to reside there permanently. Make it your Command Center. Life is SO amazing when you can live from Love. You don't react anymore - you are clear-headed, able to say the 'right' things. You sleep peacefully, and go through your days with enthusiasm and joy.
Yeah - I want to go to there! So let me know if you have any questions, but otherwise? Happy Journeying. I'd love to hear of your experiences in the comments below.
Friday, February 12, 2016
The Eye of the Hurricane - Going Within
I have started and stopped this post several times. I circle around the topics like a vulture on a dead musk ox. I have words. Then I have no words. So now I am landed. And I find myself in the eye of the hurricane, wanting just to curl up on the couch and stare at the wall.
Why? When did it start? It's been going on for years, my friends. Look back at your life. Didn't it used to be kind of safe? Predictable? Boring, even? Sometimes I LONG for boring. But not really. Around the first of the new year, a huge 'Storm' started brewing. I call it the Storm for Bringing Up Everything We Need to Get Rid Of (or SFBUEWNTGRO). Throughout our lives we've stuffed things - painful memories, thoughts, fears - we stuff them into black garbage bags and throw them in our basements or garages. Eventually they crowd into our conscious days until we are carefully weaving our way in a narrow lane, ala "Hoarders" style.
Enough! We need to clear it. And boy do we need to clear it. I started with my Essential Work, and it transformed my life (it's ongoing, trust me). But what is Essential, anyway? I'm giving a talk in a week on it, so it's giving me a great chance to really go deep and get to the Core of what it means to live an Essential Life, and just what is our Core, anyway?
What did Clean Sweep do? Took everything out of the room and laid it all out on the front lawn. Shocking? Yes. Embarrassing? Certainly. Necessary? Definitely. So this is what's been going on for the last month and a half - a soul-clearing Clean Sweep. And it's exhausting. I've felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when the tornado comes and she wakes up on her bed to see the cow mooing by, then the boards, then the witch. Around and around, but more deeper and deeper, on all levels at the same time. Confusing? YES.
So let's just start with the premise that we've got professionals helping us with this soul Essentializing process. Trust them. They know what they're doing, even when it feels like chaos with everything strewn out everywhere. What does that mean for us in particular? One second we're happy, then we're crying, then we're angry, then we're determined and clear, then we're foggy-headed - all within the span of a half hour sometimes. That's okay - ride those waves, baby. Just keep breathing and watching what's going on, just as if you were watching people carrying boxes and bags out of a room. You may feel anxious, overwhelmed, ashamed, nervous, excited - all at the same time. Normal! But let the process keep unfolding.
See? I feel like I'm rambling, trying to scramble into the Center of it all, so let's just jump straight there. Around the perimeter there's swirling - it's chaos, extreme vertigo and dizziness and upset. So understand that if that's any of what you've been feeling lately, take a few deep breaths and choose to go to your Center, your Core, the Essential Part of who you are. For me it's right below my heart. When I close my eyes I can feel almost like a sun shining there. When I focus on that part, and make it my intention to BE there, I feel everything non-essential dropping away and I'm left with a full feeling of peace and joy. I'm not worried about my dad or any of my kids. I'm not worried about my work or my future. I'm not thinking about the laundry or grocery shopping. I'm just enjoying being in that Space. And I say this, knowing it may sound trite, but do you know what that Space really is? The Present. Yeah yeah - insert quote about the Present is the Present and all that, but I'm totally serious. Try it if you don't believe me.
Next time I'll write a meditation for you to try to help you get to your Essential Center. That IS a story for another day. Until next time? Remember to breathe, and if you feel like you're in a huge swirl, try to get to the eye of your Life Hurricane. It's a lot more peaceful there. And you won't get hit by any flying cows.
Why? When did it start? It's been going on for years, my friends. Look back at your life. Didn't it used to be kind of safe? Predictable? Boring, even? Sometimes I LONG for boring. But not really. Around the first of the new year, a huge 'Storm' started brewing. I call it the Storm for Bringing Up Everything We Need to Get Rid Of (or SFBUEWNTGRO). Throughout our lives we've stuffed things - painful memories, thoughts, fears - we stuff them into black garbage bags and throw them in our basements or garages. Eventually they crowd into our conscious days until we are carefully weaving our way in a narrow lane, ala "Hoarders" style.
Enough! We need to clear it. And boy do we need to clear it. I started with my Essential Work, and it transformed my life (it's ongoing, trust me). But what is Essential, anyway? I'm giving a talk in a week on it, so it's giving me a great chance to really go deep and get to the Core of what it means to live an Essential Life, and just what is our Core, anyway?
What did Clean Sweep do? Took everything out of the room and laid it all out on the front lawn. Shocking? Yes. Embarrassing? Certainly. Necessary? Definitely. So this is what's been going on for the last month and a half - a soul-clearing Clean Sweep. And it's exhausting. I've felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when the tornado comes and she wakes up on her bed to see the cow mooing by, then the boards, then the witch. Around and around, but more deeper and deeper, on all levels at the same time. Confusing? YES.
So let's just start with the premise that we've got professionals helping us with this soul Essentializing process. Trust them. They know what they're doing, even when it feels like chaos with everything strewn out everywhere. What does that mean for us in particular? One second we're happy, then we're crying, then we're angry, then we're determined and clear, then we're foggy-headed - all within the span of a half hour sometimes. That's okay - ride those waves, baby. Just keep breathing and watching what's going on, just as if you were watching people carrying boxes and bags out of a room. You may feel anxious, overwhelmed, ashamed, nervous, excited - all at the same time. Normal! But let the process keep unfolding.
See? I feel like I'm rambling, trying to scramble into the Center of it all, so let's just jump straight there. Around the perimeter there's swirling - it's chaos, extreme vertigo and dizziness and upset. So understand that if that's any of what you've been feeling lately, take a few deep breaths and choose to go to your Center, your Core, the Essential Part of who you are. For me it's right below my heart. When I close my eyes I can feel almost like a sun shining there. When I focus on that part, and make it my intention to BE there, I feel everything non-essential dropping away and I'm left with a full feeling of peace and joy. I'm not worried about my dad or any of my kids. I'm not worried about my work or my future. I'm not thinking about the laundry or grocery shopping. I'm just enjoying being in that Space. And I say this, knowing it may sound trite, but do you know what that Space really is? The Present. Yeah yeah - insert quote about the Present is the Present and all that, but I'm totally serious. Try it if you don't believe me.
Next time I'll write a meditation for you to try to help you get to your Essential Center. That IS a story for another day. Until next time? Remember to breathe, and if you feel like you're in a huge swirl, try to get to the eye of your Life Hurricane. It's a lot more peaceful there. And you won't get hit by any flying cows.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
I Win
I've started and stopped this blog post several times in my head. I wanted to start off by saying all of these nice things about myself, or saying "Most of you think I am....." or "Most of you know that I am..." but all of that sounds like I'm trying to defend myself for what I'm about to say, so in the spirit of vulnerability, transparency, and honesty, I won't defend myself.
I have never despised anyone as much as I despise this person. At the current moment I am not able to get away from them, so I am "stuck" with trying to navigate bitchy waters. Although I have always been kind to its face, I have vented to family and friends. If we believe that everything happens for a reason, everyone is in our lives for a reason, then I want to take this chance to publicly thank IT.
I am intuitive enough to feel that it wants to defeat me, wants me to see that it is winning, it will prevail, but it is not. I win. I will always win. And you know why? Because I refuse to be unkind to you. I refuse to yell at you, or even get angry. I gave you a Christmas present, I hugged you, I texted you and called you. I smiled at you and asked how your family was. I didn't do it to be kind to you. I did it to defeat you.
I'm a three time All-American and two time Hall of Famer athlete (inside joke - I whip these fun facts out every time I'm faced with adversity, as if they're magic talismans). But in this case if I dive down a few levels I think these achievements actually ARE helpful, because they point to my deeper mettle and strength. I'm competitive. I love challenges. I love goals. I love slamming the basketball in my opponent's face and screaming "NOSLIW" ("Wilson" now imprinted on their foreheads). And it's not just about having a winning score at the end of the game. It's about defeating MEAN, cheating, unfair opponents (Mount Mercy, 1982).
So YOU, IT, are my Mount Mercy, and I rise to the challenge. Why? Because at the end of all of this I will be stronger. I will be more conscious, more equipped to deal with every day life challenges, more expanded. If I were to snake down to where you operate, it would make me more like that, and you bet I have no interest in that whatsoever! So even though I'm cheating by not being 100%-fold-my-hands-together-and-sending-you-love-vibes-and-unicorn-wishes, I will continue to use you as my heavy weights at the gym. You are my supreme Workout to give me Spiritual Muscle. I just got done running for an hour on the treadmill with "Shake it Off" on an endless loop. I'm getting in shape - I'm coming for YOU. Everything that I do is focused on this situation and how to heal it - how to do every single step with 100% Love and Integrity.
It doesn't matter what YOU do - you're just a reflection of everything inside of me. That's why I don't need to name you. There are a billion ITs out there. Heck - I'm an IT sometimes. I say mean things. I consciously try to hurt someone's feelings by being snarky. But I'm interested in becoming 100% Me, 100% Love, 100% Soul Incarnate here in my body, so to do that, it takes aggressive Spiritual Warrior energy, and that I have a plethora of.
It's not easy. It's never easy. To defeat Mount Mercy in 1982 I shot thousands of free throws, ran thousands of plays, ran thousands of miles, just for that 40 minutes. The nuns booed us. Steph stole the ball and made a basket. The people waved plastic noodles at us, trying to distract us. I calmly swooshed in two free throws. We won.
I already know I have won. And you can, too. We are stronger than we know. But it takes deep commitment to going down really really deep. I know IT. I have tuned into it's energy. It is sad, scared, insecure, greedy, and maybe mentally ill. And I really do want it to be happy, and feel loved, or I would be a horrible, awful hypocrite. So I dance on. Using this person as the most difficult challenge I've faced in a long time. When I feel peace instead of anger, when I feel like hugging instead of slugging, I know I've done it. I've won. And then, man, is there going to be a celebration. Much like the National Championships of 1982.
I have never despised anyone as much as I despise this person. At the current moment I am not able to get away from them, so I am "stuck" with trying to navigate bitchy waters. Although I have always been kind to its face, I have vented to family and friends. If we believe that everything happens for a reason, everyone is in our lives for a reason, then I want to take this chance to publicly thank IT.
I am intuitive enough to feel that it wants to defeat me, wants me to see that it is winning, it will prevail, but it is not. I win. I will always win. And you know why? Because I refuse to be unkind to you. I refuse to yell at you, or even get angry. I gave you a Christmas present, I hugged you, I texted you and called you. I smiled at you and asked how your family was. I didn't do it to be kind to you. I did it to defeat you.
I'm a three time All-American and two time Hall of Famer athlete (inside joke - I whip these fun facts out every time I'm faced with adversity, as if they're magic talismans). But in this case if I dive down a few levels I think these achievements actually ARE helpful, because they point to my deeper mettle and strength. I'm competitive. I love challenges. I love goals. I love slamming the basketball in my opponent's face and screaming "NOSLIW" ("Wilson" now imprinted on their foreheads). And it's not just about having a winning score at the end of the game. It's about defeating MEAN, cheating, unfair opponents (Mount Mercy, 1982).
So YOU, IT, are my Mount Mercy, and I rise to the challenge. Why? Because at the end of all of this I will be stronger. I will be more conscious, more equipped to deal with every day life challenges, more expanded. If I were to snake down to where you operate, it would make me more like that, and you bet I have no interest in that whatsoever! So even though I'm cheating by not being 100%-fold-my-hands-together-and-sending-you-love-vibes-and-unicorn-wishes, I will continue to use you as my heavy weights at the gym. You are my supreme Workout to give me Spiritual Muscle. I just got done running for an hour on the treadmill with "Shake it Off" on an endless loop. I'm getting in shape - I'm coming for YOU. Everything that I do is focused on this situation and how to heal it - how to do every single step with 100% Love and Integrity.
It doesn't matter what YOU do - you're just a reflection of everything inside of me. That's why I don't need to name you. There are a billion ITs out there. Heck - I'm an IT sometimes. I say mean things. I consciously try to hurt someone's feelings by being snarky. But I'm interested in becoming 100% Me, 100% Love, 100% Soul Incarnate here in my body, so to do that, it takes aggressive Spiritual Warrior energy, and that I have a plethora of.
It's not easy. It's never easy. To defeat Mount Mercy in 1982 I shot thousands of free throws, ran thousands of plays, ran thousands of miles, just for that 40 minutes. The nuns booed us. Steph stole the ball and made a basket. The people waved plastic noodles at us, trying to distract us. I calmly swooshed in two free throws. We won.
I already know I have won. And you can, too. We are stronger than we know. But it takes deep commitment to going down really really deep. I know IT. I have tuned into it's energy. It is sad, scared, insecure, greedy, and maybe mentally ill. And I really do want it to be happy, and feel loved, or I would be a horrible, awful hypocrite. So I dance on. Using this person as the most difficult challenge I've faced in a long time. When I feel peace instead of anger, when I feel like hugging instead of slugging, I know I've done it. I've won. And then, man, is there going to be a celebration. Much like the National Championships of 1982.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Dropping Deep - Magic Monday Post
I know you don't know me very well, but ever since I was little, whenever times would get tough I would withdraw into myself. For the first 55 years of my life I hadn't really examined why I did that, but during the last three months I've made some pretty astonishing discoveries. I am faced with impending loss of someone very close to me. We all experience profound loss in many different ways - a child leaving home, a chronic illness, aging, loss of a job, divorce, menopause. So what do we do when we're anticipating it, thinking about it, in the middle of it, or on the other side of it?
For the past three months I've felt myself shutting down. I could barely get out of my pajamas (Hubby: hey, let's go to Barnes and Noble, and no, you can't go in your pajamas - true story). I didn't want to do my cabi work, I didn't want to leave the house, text friends, exercise. Nothing. In San Diego for my work conference I ran into my beautiful friend Patrice. As we were talking I felt myself light up. I had a thought: why in the world am I shutting down, anticipating how I will be feeling and how my loss will impact me? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WILL FEEL. So why not change the story?
I could feel something like a huge anchor inside of me sinking down, deep into the earth, and I felt myself open up. Why not make this my most successful cabi season ever? Why not create my youtube videos, book my speaking engagements, Essential Closet clients? Why not let everyone know that I am feeling vulnerable and tender at this time and ask for their help?
So that's exactly what I did. When we withdraw we are like a flower pulling its roots nearly all the way out of the ground and covering its little bloom. It may still stay alive, but it won't have all the sunlight or nourishment it needs to thrive. I don't want to just SURVIVE. I want to THRIVE.
This is what I believe: when we are asleep, we do the same things over and over again. We let life just happen as if we can't do anything about it. Everything is just..... inevitable. I don't believe that. So if I want to fully live what I preach I need to pull back and see the bigger picture. What gifts are coming out of this time? How will this strengthen me? How will this soften me? How will this help me on my journey to 100% Soul?
Already just having this realization is huge for me. I tend to live a spontaneous life, full of curves, twirls, detours, and zig zags. Because I want more Bigger Picture, Deep Life moments, that is what I'm focusing on. I sit cross-legged, my eyes closed, palms open facing up on my knees, and breathe deeply, imagining pure sunlight flooding my body as I remain open to the possibilities. I am dropping deep into my life.
For the past three months I've felt myself shutting down. I could barely get out of my pajamas (Hubby: hey, let's go to Barnes and Noble, and no, you can't go in your pajamas - true story). I didn't want to do my cabi work, I didn't want to leave the house, text friends, exercise. Nothing. In San Diego for my work conference I ran into my beautiful friend Patrice. As we were talking I felt myself light up. I had a thought: why in the world am I shutting down, anticipating how I will be feeling and how my loss will impact me? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WILL FEEL. So why not change the story?
I could feel something like a huge anchor inside of me sinking down, deep into the earth, and I felt myself open up. Why not make this my most successful cabi season ever? Why not create my youtube videos, book my speaking engagements, Essential Closet clients? Why not let everyone know that I am feeling vulnerable and tender at this time and ask for their help?
So that's exactly what I did. When we withdraw we are like a flower pulling its roots nearly all the way out of the ground and covering its little bloom. It may still stay alive, but it won't have all the sunlight or nourishment it needs to thrive. I don't want to just SURVIVE. I want to THRIVE.
This is what I believe: when we are asleep, we do the same things over and over again. We let life just happen as if we can't do anything about it. Everything is just..... inevitable. I don't believe that. So if I want to fully live what I preach I need to pull back and see the bigger picture. What gifts are coming out of this time? How will this strengthen me? How will this soften me? How will this help me on my journey to 100% Soul?
Already just having this realization is huge for me. I tend to live a spontaneous life, full of curves, twirls, detours, and zig zags. Because I want more Bigger Picture, Deep Life moments, that is what I'm focusing on. I sit cross-legged, my eyes closed, palms open facing up on my knees, and breathe deeply, imagining pure sunlight flooding my body as I remain open to the possibilities. I am dropping deep into my life.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
It's Supposed to be Wordy Wednesday - oh well
Par for the course, I'm a day late. But I really want to start my first ever Wordy Wednesday with a bang, even if it's Thursday. I love projects and goals, so I went onto goodreads (love it - check it out!) and looked for a list of the top books written by women, and found one! I hand wrote all of the books into my planner, then highlighted the books I've already read and don't want to re-read, then looked at how many were left. These were the books I was going to either read for the first time, or re-read. All in 2016. With my modified list, I came up with 40 books to read/re-read. That's do-able for a year, isn't it?
Except I started mid-December. I wanted to make sure I'd have the best shot at achieving my goal. My first book? "Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Zora Neale Hurston. I really loved it. At this point I don't really want to get into the details of those first books I read, but I found out something VERY interesting about myself that I hadn't realized before - I don't mind "old books" (written in the 1800's), as long as they still have a moving plot line, and not too many details about walking down a garden lane. With that in mind, I have no interest in re-reading any Jane Austen (she had several on the list). I know, I know - everyone LOVES Jane Austen, and I love the movies, but the written word? Once is enough.
Okay, I lied - another one of those early December books was "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin. I LOVED IT!!!!! It was dreamy, and sensuous, and captured the time, and dealt with issues I personally find timely, mainly how do I fit into the world, and who am I. I know - small things.
So without further ado, here's the top 100 Lists Written by Women (according to voters on Goodreads)
1. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee - read
2. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen - read
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - read
4. Harry Potter - JK Rowling - read
5. Diary of a Young Girl - Anne Frank - read
6. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte - read
7. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott (currently re-reading, in case you were wondering)
8. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley - read
9. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood - read
10. The Help - Kathryn Stockett - read
11. Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell - read (may re-read - I haven't decided)
12. The Secret Garden - Frances Burnett (JUST re-read, and it is MAGICAL!!!!!)
13. The Bell Jar - Sylvia - will re-read
14. The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins - read
15. The Color Purple - Alice Walker - read in 1978, and my bro-in-law was impressed :)
16. Persuasion - Jane Austen - read
17. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen - read (see what I mean about a lot of her books?)
18. And Then There Were None - Agatha Christie - read
19. The Giver - Lois Lowry - read (several times)
20. The Outsiders - S.E. Hinton - JUST finished reading - SUPERB (I love to mix adult fiction with children's books, young teen, non-fiction, and self-help - always have - always will)
21. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - Betty Smith - read
22. A Room of One's Own - Virginia Woolf - read (this was pretty good, but I've come to understand that I'm not a big VW fan)
23. A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle - read but will re-read
24. Mrs. Dalloway - Virginia Woolf - read - uhm..... not so much
25. Rebecca - Daphne du Maurier - will be reading for the first time!
26. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger - read - THIS BOOK MADE ME WEEP SEVERAL TIMES - it's beautiful
27. Little House on the Prairie - Laura Ingalls Wilder - re-read as part of my Christmas binge reading
28. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - Maya Angelou - read - beautiful
29. Their Eyes Were Watching God - Zora Neale Hurston - read
30. Emma - Jane Austen - read (ANOTHER ONE!!!)
31. Harry Potter #1 - JK Rowling - read (how this is different from #4 I don't know, but since I've read the entire series, it doesn't matter - I've read it)
32. Black Beauty - Anne Sewell - read
33. Divergent - Veronica Roth - read (see? Young Adult - I read what my youngest son reads so we can discuss)
34. Joy Luck Club - Amy Tan - read
35. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold - read (interesting story - I got this to listen to on tape, after my sister recommended it - frankly, the subject matter didn't interest me in the least. Well, Alysha Bresenhan (sp) is the narrator, and her voice would make you want to listen to anything! I had gotten close to the end of the book, listening only when I was driving, but it go so riveting that I couldn't stand it anymore - I had nowhere to drive! So I ran out to Barnes and Noble and bought the book so I could finish the last few chapters - stupid, I know, but really says something about the awesomeness of this book)
36. The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver - read (I love BK)
37. Anne of Green Gables - L.M. Montgomery - re-read (Christmas binge) ANOTHER magical book! I've decided I AM Anne!
38. The Awakening - Kate Chopin - read
39. Beloved - Toni Morrison - read
40. Fried Green Tomatoes - Fannie Flagg - read
41. Emily Dickinson: Poems - will re-read
42. The House of the Spirits - Isabel Allende - read
43. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter - Carson McCullers - read (Christmas binge) - LOVED IT! Her description of the human condition is breathtaking
44. To the Lighthouse - Virginia Woolf - read, but barely made it, limping through to the end
45. Outlander - Diana Gabaldon - read - oh YES!!!!! She is magnificent!
46. The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd - read - another magical read
47. The Tale of Peter Rabbit - Beatrix Potter - will re-read
48. The Velveteen Rabbit - Margery Williams - read - I read this every summer - it is 'my' book
49. Mary Poppins #1 - P.L. Travers - will re-read
50. The Bluest Eye - Toni Morrison - read - she is a beautiful writer, but admittedly writes about tough stuff. But still - please read her...
51. The Mists of Avalon #1 - Marion Zimmer Bradley - read - I love EVERYTHING King Arthur
52. Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood - read - she is amazing. Just amazing.
53. Little House in the Big Woods - Laura Ingalls Wilder - will re-read
54. The Historian - Elizabeth Kostova - will be reading for the first time
55. Murder on the Orient Express - Agatha Christie - I'm not sure if I've read this or not - I used to read a lot of her when I was in high school, so I'll just go ahead and re-read it
56. The Good Earth - Pearl S. Buck - again, not sure if I've read it, can't remember, so will re-read it. IF I figure out that I HAVE read it, I can make the decision to keep going or go onto something else, okay? Are we just making up rules as we go along? Yeah, pretty much.
57. Possession - A.S. Byatt - will be reading for the first time
58. A Good Man is Hard to Find - Flannery O'Connor - re-read
59. My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult - read - I know she's a literary staple, but I'd never ready any of her books! This one was tough, but still a really good read. I may read more of her. I haven't decided.
60. The Red Tent - Anita Diamant - read - yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!
61. Goodnight Moon - Margaret Wise Brown - read conservatively a billion times :)
62. Chocolat - Joanne Harris - read - LOVE!
63. The Lottery - Shirley Jackson - re-read
64. Wolf Hall - Hillary Mantel - read - I do so adore historical fiction, especially around Henry 8th's time - past life, maybe?
65. Are you There, God? It's Me, Margaret - Judy Blume - will re-read
66. The Dispossessed - Ursula Le Guin - will be reading
67. Song of Solomon - Toni Morrison - read
68. Middlemarch - George Eliot - read, slogged through, actually, in college
69. Water for Elephants - Sara Gruem - read - I also love reading about the 1940's - this was exactly when my dad would've been the same age as the main characters
70. Girl, Interrupted - Susanne Kaysen - saw the movie, but will read for the first time
71. Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell - Susanna Clarke - will be reading - it's a REALLY big book - I hope I don't get carpal tunnel holding it - I'm not even joking...
72. Out of Africa - Karen Blixen - who HASN'T seen the movie? And that music? Ahhhhh.... okay - I haven't read it, so I'll be reading this one
73. The Night Circus - Erin Morgenstern - will be reading for the first time - has anyone heard of this one? I haven't...
74. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society - Mary Ann Shaffer - read - World War 2? YES, PLEASE!!!
75. The Second Sex - Simone de Beauvoir - will be reading - I'm a little nervous - just because of the title...
76. Silent Spring - Rachel Carson - cannot WAIT to read this one!!!!
77. Interview with the Vampire - Anne Rice - read - I've read them ALL! I love books about vampires - read Dracula when I was 12 - I know, I'm weird
78. Uncle Tom's Cabin - Harriet Beecher Stowe - read last winter - this book depressed the heck out of me, but I know it's an important literary book. But still...
79. The Clan of the Cave Bear - Jane M. Auel - read back in 1982, right after I graduated from college - it's great! I read the whole series
80. The Talented Mr. Ripley - Patricia Highsmith - I marked this as read, but I probably didn't read it. Wasn't it a movie with Matt Damon in it?
81. Cranford - Elizabeth Gaskell - read. Kind of. That 1800 book I couldn't understand.
82. A Little Princess - Frances Hodson Burnett - will be re-reading
83. Northanger Abbey - Jane Austen - read (just one more JA?????)
84. I Capture the Castle - Dodie Smith - I thought I'd read it. I thought I recognized the book cover. I don't remember the plot at all. So I'll try to get it from the library and start it, just in case I've already read it.
85. The House of Mirth - Edith Wharton - will be reading for the first time
86. Silas Marner - George Eliot - read
87. The Blind Assassin - Margaret Atwood - read
88. Edna in the Desert - Maddy Lederman - read - how this got onto the top 100 I have NO idea - it was not good at all. I mean, in my opinion.
89. Orlando - Virginia Woolf - I loved the movie with Tilda Swinton, but I don't think I've READ the book so I'll do it.
90. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons - read - ew
91. Bring up the Bodies - Hilary Mantel - will be reading - happens after "Wolf Hall"
92. My Antonia - Willa Cather - read this summer - I LOVE THIS BOOK!!!!! Love love super love
93. White Teeth - Zadie Smith - will be reading. I know I should've read it, but something about the title makes me shiver. I'll read it, though - promise
94. Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn - read - disturbing, but really good
95. The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy - read - I did not like this book.
96. Heidi - Johanna Spyri - everyone knows the movies, but I don't think I've read the book, or it's been a long long time, so I'll re-read it. Or read it for the first time. Whatever.
97. The Scarlet Pimpernel - Emmuska Orczy - read/re-read - not sure if I read it in high school English - Miss Olson had us read some pretty spectacular things.
98. The Age of Innocence - Edith Wharton - I think I've read this, but it's another library check-out in case I have.
99. The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie - Muriel Spark - another movie, but I'm quite certain I haven't read the book.
100. The Accidental Tourist - Anne Tyler - read - I LOVE Anne Tyler - just bought her latest and will sneak that into my alternative pile.
SO THERE WE GO!!! Next we'll start discussing my current read. Please let me know which of these you've read, and what you've thought of them. Challenge my mild apathy toward Jane Austen, ask about why I need the plot to move, why I seem to permanently prefer magically-themed books. I just know that I'm excited to read the rest of these books. But you know I've never really done anything by the book, so I've also got a side list of current books (some are written by boys!) that I'll be digging through, as well. I'll keep you posted on that one, as well. Happy reading, my lovely bibliophiles!
Except I started mid-December. I wanted to make sure I'd have the best shot at achieving my goal. My first book? "Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Zora Neale Hurston. I really loved it. At this point I don't really want to get into the details of those first books I read, but I found out something VERY interesting about myself that I hadn't realized before - I don't mind "old books" (written in the 1800's), as long as they still have a moving plot line, and not too many details about walking down a garden lane. With that in mind, I have no interest in re-reading any Jane Austen (she had several on the list). I know, I know - everyone LOVES Jane Austen, and I love the movies, but the written word? Once is enough.
Okay, I lied - another one of those early December books was "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin. I LOVED IT!!!!! It was dreamy, and sensuous, and captured the time, and dealt with issues I personally find timely, mainly how do I fit into the world, and who am I. I know - small things.
So without further ado, here's the top 100 Lists Written by Women (according to voters on Goodreads)
1. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee - read
2. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen - read
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - read
4. Harry Potter - JK Rowling - read
5. Diary of a Young Girl - Anne Frank - read
6. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte - read
7. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott (currently re-reading, in case you were wondering)
8. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley - read
9. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood - read
10. The Help - Kathryn Stockett - read
11. Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell - read (may re-read - I haven't decided)
12. The Secret Garden - Frances Burnett (JUST re-read, and it is MAGICAL!!!!!)
13. The Bell Jar - Sylvia - will re-read
14. The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins - read
15. The Color Purple - Alice Walker - read in 1978, and my bro-in-law was impressed :)
16. Persuasion - Jane Austen - read
17. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen - read (see what I mean about a lot of her books?)
18. And Then There Were None - Agatha Christie - read
19. The Giver - Lois Lowry - read (several times)
20. The Outsiders - S.E. Hinton - JUST finished reading - SUPERB (I love to mix adult fiction with children's books, young teen, non-fiction, and self-help - always have - always will)
21. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - Betty Smith - read
22. A Room of One's Own - Virginia Woolf - read (this was pretty good, but I've come to understand that I'm not a big VW fan)
23. A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle - read but will re-read
24. Mrs. Dalloway - Virginia Woolf - read - uhm..... not so much
25. Rebecca - Daphne du Maurier - will be reading for the first time!
26. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger - read - THIS BOOK MADE ME WEEP SEVERAL TIMES - it's beautiful
27. Little House on the Prairie - Laura Ingalls Wilder - re-read as part of my Christmas binge reading
28. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - Maya Angelou - read - beautiful
29. Their Eyes Were Watching God - Zora Neale Hurston - read
30. Emma - Jane Austen - read (ANOTHER ONE!!!)
31. Harry Potter #1 - JK Rowling - read (how this is different from #4 I don't know, but since I've read the entire series, it doesn't matter - I've read it)
32. Black Beauty - Anne Sewell - read
33. Divergent - Veronica Roth - read (see? Young Adult - I read what my youngest son reads so we can discuss)
34. Joy Luck Club - Amy Tan - read
35. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold - read (interesting story - I got this to listen to on tape, after my sister recommended it - frankly, the subject matter didn't interest me in the least. Well, Alysha Bresenhan (sp) is the narrator, and her voice would make you want to listen to anything! I had gotten close to the end of the book, listening only when I was driving, but it go so riveting that I couldn't stand it anymore - I had nowhere to drive! So I ran out to Barnes and Noble and bought the book so I could finish the last few chapters - stupid, I know, but really says something about the awesomeness of this book)
36. The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver - read (I love BK)
37. Anne of Green Gables - L.M. Montgomery - re-read (Christmas binge) ANOTHER magical book! I've decided I AM Anne!
38. The Awakening - Kate Chopin - read
39. Beloved - Toni Morrison - read
40. Fried Green Tomatoes - Fannie Flagg - read
41. Emily Dickinson: Poems - will re-read
42. The House of the Spirits - Isabel Allende - read
43. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter - Carson McCullers - read (Christmas binge) - LOVED IT! Her description of the human condition is breathtaking
44. To the Lighthouse - Virginia Woolf - read, but barely made it, limping through to the end
45. Outlander - Diana Gabaldon - read - oh YES!!!!! She is magnificent!
46. The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd - read - another magical read
47. The Tale of Peter Rabbit - Beatrix Potter - will re-read
48. The Velveteen Rabbit - Margery Williams - read - I read this every summer - it is 'my' book
49. Mary Poppins #1 - P.L. Travers - will re-read
50. The Bluest Eye - Toni Morrison - read - she is a beautiful writer, but admittedly writes about tough stuff. But still - please read her...
51. The Mists of Avalon #1 - Marion Zimmer Bradley - read - I love EVERYTHING King Arthur
52. Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood - read - she is amazing. Just amazing.
53. Little House in the Big Woods - Laura Ingalls Wilder - will re-read
54. The Historian - Elizabeth Kostova - will be reading for the first time
55. Murder on the Orient Express - Agatha Christie - I'm not sure if I've read this or not - I used to read a lot of her when I was in high school, so I'll just go ahead and re-read it
56. The Good Earth - Pearl S. Buck - again, not sure if I've read it, can't remember, so will re-read it. IF I figure out that I HAVE read it, I can make the decision to keep going or go onto something else, okay? Are we just making up rules as we go along? Yeah, pretty much.
57. Possession - A.S. Byatt - will be reading for the first time
58. A Good Man is Hard to Find - Flannery O'Connor - re-read
59. My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult - read - I know she's a literary staple, but I'd never ready any of her books! This one was tough, but still a really good read. I may read more of her. I haven't decided.
60. The Red Tent - Anita Diamant - read - yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!
61. Goodnight Moon - Margaret Wise Brown - read conservatively a billion times :)
62. Chocolat - Joanne Harris - read - LOVE!
63. The Lottery - Shirley Jackson - re-read
64. Wolf Hall - Hillary Mantel - read - I do so adore historical fiction, especially around Henry 8th's time - past life, maybe?
65. Are you There, God? It's Me, Margaret - Judy Blume - will re-read
66. The Dispossessed - Ursula Le Guin - will be reading
67. Song of Solomon - Toni Morrison - read
68. Middlemarch - George Eliot - read, slogged through, actually, in college
69. Water for Elephants - Sara Gruem - read - I also love reading about the 1940's - this was exactly when my dad would've been the same age as the main characters
70. Girl, Interrupted - Susanne Kaysen - saw the movie, but will read for the first time
71. Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell - Susanna Clarke - will be reading - it's a REALLY big book - I hope I don't get carpal tunnel holding it - I'm not even joking...
72. Out of Africa - Karen Blixen - who HASN'T seen the movie? And that music? Ahhhhh.... okay - I haven't read it, so I'll be reading this one
73. The Night Circus - Erin Morgenstern - will be reading for the first time - has anyone heard of this one? I haven't...
74. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society - Mary Ann Shaffer - read - World War 2? YES, PLEASE!!!
75. The Second Sex - Simone de Beauvoir - will be reading - I'm a little nervous - just because of the title...
76. Silent Spring - Rachel Carson - cannot WAIT to read this one!!!!
77. Interview with the Vampire - Anne Rice - read - I've read them ALL! I love books about vampires - read Dracula when I was 12 - I know, I'm weird
78. Uncle Tom's Cabin - Harriet Beecher Stowe - read last winter - this book depressed the heck out of me, but I know it's an important literary book. But still...
79. The Clan of the Cave Bear - Jane M. Auel - read back in 1982, right after I graduated from college - it's great! I read the whole series
80. The Talented Mr. Ripley - Patricia Highsmith - I marked this as read, but I probably didn't read it. Wasn't it a movie with Matt Damon in it?
81. Cranford - Elizabeth Gaskell - read. Kind of. That 1800 book I couldn't understand.
82. A Little Princess - Frances Hodson Burnett - will be re-reading
83. Northanger Abbey - Jane Austen - read (just one more JA?????)
84. I Capture the Castle - Dodie Smith - I thought I'd read it. I thought I recognized the book cover. I don't remember the plot at all. So I'll try to get it from the library and start it, just in case I've already read it.
85. The House of Mirth - Edith Wharton - will be reading for the first time
86. Silas Marner - George Eliot - read
87. The Blind Assassin - Margaret Atwood - read
88. Edna in the Desert - Maddy Lederman - read - how this got onto the top 100 I have NO idea - it was not good at all. I mean, in my opinion.
89. Orlando - Virginia Woolf - I loved the movie with Tilda Swinton, but I don't think I've READ the book so I'll do it.
90. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons - read - ew
91. Bring up the Bodies - Hilary Mantel - will be reading - happens after "Wolf Hall"
92. My Antonia - Willa Cather - read this summer - I LOVE THIS BOOK!!!!! Love love super love
93. White Teeth - Zadie Smith - will be reading. I know I should've read it, but something about the title makes me shiver. I'll read it, though - promise
94. Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn - read - disturbing, but really good
95. The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy - read - I did not like this book.
96. Heidi - Johanna Spyri - everyone knows the movies, but I don't think I've read the book, or it's been a long long time, so I'll re-read it. Or read it for the first time. Whatever.
97. The Scarlet Pimpernel - Emmuska Orczy - read/re-read - not sure if I read it in high school English - Miss Olson had us read some pretty spectacular things.
98. The Age of Innocence - Edith Wharton - I think I've read this, but it's another library check-out in case I have.
99. The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie - Muriel Spark - another movie, but I'm quite certain I haven't read the book.
100. The Accidental Tourist - Anne Tyler - read - I LOVE Anne Tyler - just bought her latest and will sneak that into my alternative pile.
SO THERE WE GO!!! Next we'll start discussing my current read. Please let me know which of these you've read, and what you've thought of them. Challenge my mild apathy toward Jane Austen, ask about why I need the plot to move, why I seem to permanently prefer magically-themed books. I just know that I'm excited to read the rest of these books. But you know I've never really done anything by the book, so I've also got a side list of current books (some are written by boys!) that I'll be digging through, as well. I'll keep you posted on that one, as well. Happy reading, my lovely bibliophiles!
Friday, January 1, 2016
Foodie Friday (or "What's for Supper?")
So here we are, January 1st, and I find myself already in that "are we wearing our pajamas again today?" mode. It's hard to explain - I'm thinking it's the angle of the sun and all that, but this time I'm dedicated to shaking loose from the winter doldrums, and I've got a plan. Food.
But not just any food. A weekly menu. So I grab the cookbook I made a few years back, of all of my favorite recipes (along with pictures and stories, but that's a story for another day), a piece of paper, and pen, and get to work.
Hmmmm... Carolina Soup and Caesar Salad? Yes, please! Indian Skillet Black-Eyed Peas and Quinoa with Spinach? Of course! Curry Noodles, stir fry chicken tenders, and roasted vegetables? BINGO! Can you smell that? That's the vegetables that have just finished roasting.
There's something about cooking and baking that have always soothed me. I was restless yesterday, so put on my headphones, blasted some Black-Eyed Peas (ironic, isn't it?), and cut up the vegetables for roasting. Today's batch includes coarsely chopped red, yellow, green, and orange peppers, one onion cut into quarters then pulled apart, a shake out of the minced garlic jar, one sweet potato, peeled and cut into cubes, one bunch of asparagus cut into halves, one head of cauliflower cut into small florets, and one small head of broccoli, cut into small florets. Oh - and three zucchini cut in half, then cut into quarters. I drizzled olive oil over it all, then sprinkled it with some sea salt and freshly ground pepper, mixed it all together with my hands (the most fun part!), then roasted it all in a 450 degree oven for a half hour, stirring every 15 minutes.
The nice thing about roasted vegetables is that I can use the leftovers tomorrow in a frittata (just cut the vegetables up a little more), then if there's still some left, layer them in a pan of burritos with some black beans, salsa, and brown rice.
Not only can we be healthy, we can get some culinary therapy while we're at it. I'm in. How about you? I'm off to boil the gluten-free corn noodles for the curry noodles. YUM!!!!!
But not just any food. A weekly menu. So I grab the cookbook I made a few years back, of all of my favorite recipes (along with pictures and stories, but that's a story for another day), a piece of paper, and pen, and get to work.
Hmmmm... Carolina Soup and Caesar Salad? Yes, please! Indian Skillet Black-Eyed Peas and Quinoa with Spinach? Of course! Curry Noodles, stir fry chicken tenders, and roasted vegetables? BINGO! Can you smell that? That's the vegetables that have just finished roasting.
There's something about cooking and baking that have always soothed me. I was restless yesterday, so put on my headphones, blasted some Black-Eyed Peas (ironic, isn't it?), and cut up the vegetables for roasting. Today's batch includes coarsely chopped red, yellow, green, and orange peppers, one onion cut into quarters then pulled apart, a shake out of the minced garlic jar, one sweet potato, peeled and cut into cubes, one bunch of asparagus cut into halves, one head of cauliflower cut into small florets, and one small head of broccoli, cut into small florets. Oh - and three zucchini cut in half, then cut into quarters. I drizzled olive oil over it all, then sprinkled it with some sea salt and freshly ground pepper, mixed it all together with my hands (the most fun part!), then roasted it all in a 450 degree oven for a half hour, stirring every 15 minutes.
The nice thing about roasted vegetables is that I can use the leftovers tomorrow in a frittata (just cut the vegetables up a little more), then if there's still some left, layer them in a pan of burritos with some black beans, salsa, and brown rice.
Not only can we be healthy, we can get some culinary therapy while we're at it. I'm in. How about you? I'm off to boil the gluten-free corn noodles for the curry noodles. YUM!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)