My First Birthday

My First Birthday

Without any parents. I sit here in the soft sun and look into my chest to see how my heart is feeling. Dad. Dad. No Dad. It's different - this death of my last parent. I think Mom's death prepared me somehow. That totally kicked my butt for a year or so. But Dad? I don't know - it's different. He and I were more than best friends - he was another part of me - another half. The same. So when he died he wasn't separate from me. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all, but I had another dream about him last night.

He and I and another person were standing around. I said something like "it's a beautiful day," and this other person said something really mean, like "it would be, if you weren't here." Then I said something like "I love salads," and this person said something like "salads are stupid." I was just getting tired of this person being so mean (who is actually exactly like this in real life), when Dad reached out and slapped their face. Then smiled a little bit. Then he turned toward me and slapped me really gently on the face and smiled a great big smile, like "do you understand?"

Here's what I want to say about all of this: I DO get it, Dad. Some things that happened while you were alive were difficult to handle. You seemed to have a hard time standing up to certain people, speaking up for yourself. As a result, sometimes other's feelings could get hurt. So sometimes your actions were like "slaps in the face" to some of us. I think what you're saying is that it's all an illusion, and everybody who's feeling hurt or resentful or angry about anything that happened during your life should just lighten up and see the symbolism, maybe see behind the scenes.

I'm not crushed when I see you in dreams, like I was after Mom died. In fact, it's super fun and cool and awesome every time you come for a visit. I'm like "Hey Dad! How in the heck are you?" And you're just right there, slapping our faces and stuff. Haha. You're human. Well, not anymore, but you know what I mean. And I'm human. And that other person is human. And we're all thrown into this huge mess of a life, complete with our issues and problems and insecurities, and we're trying to keep our heads above water and not get pulled under. Sometimes we're golden and beautiful and perfect, and sometimes our actions suck.

But I want to tell you that I not only forgive you for anything you may have unintentionally done that ever hurt me, but I want to tell you that there's actually nothing to forgive. I'm in a different place than after Mom died. I get it. I get you. And more importantly, I SEE YOU.

So, yes, it's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 56, thanks for asking. And how do I feel? Magnificent. I feel magnificent. I'm happy, peaceful, calm, and always feel Dad with me. I won't sad cry, I won't be depressed or mopey or quiet. I will smile, and have coffee with friends, and dress up and go to a concert with my goddesses, and eat gluten-free red velvet cake. And I will sing loudly for myself because I'm just so darned happy to be here, and to have loved my father so well.

Thank you, Daddy. You will ALWAYS be the best. Love - your #5